The Hairs on my Head

I remember as a child sitting quietly beside my dad on the couch talking. I don’t remember the conversation, but I do remember how the conversation made me feel. I remember feeling so important and knowing in that moment that my dad loved me – and I think my little seven year old heart was […]

Growth in Experience

Last night was President Trump’s first State of the Union address. I don’t want to get political here but I noticed a couple of things about our President as I sat watching and listening to him speak. He has changed a great deal in the last year. He has become more refined and more presidential. […]

Angry

I am angry. I have finally admitted to myself and to God that I am angry, angry to my very core. Please follow and like us:

God Took Them Home

I vividly remember the moment that my mom sat down and told us that she had been diagnosed with brain tumors. I distinctly recall the myriad of emotions and thoughts that struck me in that moment. Denial not the least of these. Even though I had time to process the reality that mom was leaving […]

Who is Your Boogeyman?

Are you familiar with the children’s show VeggieTales? If you are, maybe you remember the song God Is Bigger Than the Boogey Man. (I have it linked below) the lyrics go like this, God is bigger than the boogie man, He’s bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on tv – oh God is bigger than […]

The Loneliness in the Distance

We live in a world where it can take less than six hours to go from one coast to the other in the United States. We live in a disconnected world with family and loved ones spread between states or even continents. Distance takes its toll on relationships. Relationships that are otherwise healthy and strong, […]

A Hopeful Memory Walk

Tonight I walked along the street The darkness all around I thought of you and watched my tears disappear there on the ground. I strolled alone along the road remembering your love I felt your presence ever near And your strength from up above. I pondered too the lessons learned throughout my life with you […]

The Unbroken

There is a brokenness out of which comes the unbroken, a shatteredness out of which blooms the unshatterable. There is a sorrow beyond all grief which leads to joy and a fragility out of whose depths emerges strength. There is a hollow space too vast for words through which we pass with each loss, out […]

There is No Fear in Love

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear. As a child it was not uncommon for me to come home after some mischievous adventure only to find my dad sitting at the dining room table waiting for me to confess to him what he already knew. Somehow in […]

Rest for the Soul

Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” Go in any Christian bookstore and you will see the phrase “Be still and know that I am God” on everything from Bible covers, to coffee mugs, to pencils and wall […]

The Other Side

For years I lived a double life. Not a 007 kind of double life, (although sometimes I think that would be fun!) but a life full of lies and hidden hurts. For many years I was trapped in an abusive relationship and didn’t want anyone to know about it so I pretended everything was fine. […]

Domestic Violence Awareness

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. I am not sure when October became the month we work to raise awareness of this horrible epidemic but I only learned of it last year. It is wonderful that we as a society are finally recognizing that there are men and women across the globe who are battling every […]

Hardship

The goal after hardship is to come out better than you were before. Hardships will come, and when they do, they come with pain and struggle. The emotional and physical toll can be overwhelming for a time. But it doesn’t have to be permanent. Sometimes healing occurs quickly and you feel relief, sometimes healing happens […]

The Fear in the Truth

I would say that I value honesty above almost all else. In relationships, in friendships, and in the day to day. I remember one day while I was at work and one of the staff mentioned that a client was trying to reach me and would be calling back. I don’t remember why I was […]

Do You Hope For Someone?

What does it mean to hope for someone? I know we have all had moments where we have hoped for a special gift, or a prize, even waited anxiously for a positive test result. Hope is a good thing and it is an indicator of positive thoughts and feelings. But what does it mean to […]

Just Be Still

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10 It is hard to be still. I am not talking about physical stillness, although that is a struggle all it’s own especially as a single mom and a person with responsibilities. Being physically still is a luxury that often, I don’t have time to experience. […]

What Will They Remember?

I was thinking about what will happen when I die. Not wondering where I will go or anything like that. I know I am a child of God and will join my parents in heaven. But I was thinking about what will happen here on earth. So many things seem so important. Meetings, appointments, bills, […]

When Focus Fails

There are two sides to every story. Two sides to every pain and two sides to every disappointment. I am where I am because I put me here. I took for granted that the love was going to be there when I was finished dealing with what I was dealing with. I was trying to […]

I Write to Strangers

I don’t like to cry or show weakness to the people who know me. I don’t like to feel vulnerable. Very few people have truly seen my heartache. I write to strangers. I share my story with people who I don’t know because in doing this I can be weak and cry. I can sort […]

I Called Him My Forever

Loss. This seems to be the theme in my world these past fifteen months. I think it broke me.  Not in a crippling, can’t go on, life is awful sort of way, but in a hope is gone and the desire to love is fading. Most relationships end because somebody did the other wrong or […]

Temporary Feelings

I have been traveling down a road of recovery for the past few months now. Well actually it has been for the past few years but more aggressively and with purpose over the past few months. Recovery is a tricky thing. The intention is to move forward and heal, but the reality of confronting the […]

The Pain in the Wail

Emotions are sometimes hard to contain. Holding strong feelings inside is like a poison to the soul. It starts small, just a little hurt or frustration that we hide, then another, and another until the pressure overflows and decisions are made based on the emotions in the moment. Decisions that sometimes can’t be taken back, […]

I Am Not a Failure

I am not a failure. What a great thing to be able to say. It may sound a little strange to some, but to me, finally being able to acknowledge that I am not a failure, that I am not a worthless piece of excrement, that I am not an unworthy loser, is a big […]

Healing Brings Rage

Healing hurts. We have talked about this before but every so often I need to remind myself of this fact too because when that hurt hits it can be so intense it knocks me off my feet. Have you ever had a great day, felt really good about the direction your life is going and […]

I was a Victim

I was a victim. This is probably one of the hardest sentences I have written in a very long time, perhaps ever. This has been a very difficult month. I have begun to deal with the reality of my past hell. I have begun to look at the situation and the day to day interactions […]

You Get One

You get one. One life. One brief moment in time. You get one. I am not sure if I am unhappy or if I am just overworked or if it is something deeper. I don’t want to cry. Realistically I spend more time forcing myself not to cry than I do laughing anymore. It is […]

A Gift I will Treasure

For my entire life on this day I have recognized in one way or another the birth of my dad. I chuckle when I think of how excited he was with each and every goofy handmade gift. With every tie, every pair of gloves, and as I got older with every new electronic gadget he […]

I Don’t Want To Go

I recognize that I need to go, but I don’t want to go. I have asked myself repeatedly what I am so worried about and I don’t have a solid answer for that question. I know I have nothing to be afraid of with the session itself, but it is more about what if it […]

What is Freedom?

Freedom is a word that has so many different meanings for so many different people.  We live in a free country and we have rights and opportunities that many around the world don’t experience. But what is freedom? To some, freedom is the ability to do what needs to be done, when they want to […]

The Loss in My Ocean

This weekend is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada. (Yes, I am American but I spent my formative years in Canada so my heart is also Canadian.) Today I woke up with a reflective mindset and found myself thinking about thankfulness, and what that looks like. Sometimes it looks pretty obvious, sometimes you can look around and […]

Leaving Pieces of Me Behind

I am broken inside. Holding it together is becoming more and more difficult as the realization of my new reality becomes clear. I am alone. My love was not enough. Would it have ever been enough? I think about myself and why I am alone, I think about the person I am and I feel […]

Domestic Violence Awareness

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. Do you have any idea how many people are completely unaware that this is the case? Breast Cancer Awareness, though also very important, gets all the attention while men and women who are battling every day with a very different fear and pain are forgotten. Domestic violence is not […]

Beauty In The Loneliness

Looking out of the airplane window I find myself lost in the beauty as, for a moment, I find peace in my loneliness. There is a quiet sadness within me that has crept its way to the surface as I look out at the landscape beneath me, acre after acre of beautiful nature, beautiful rocks, […]

He Took It Back

One year ago today he asked me to marry him. One year ago, he got down on his knee and said he wanted the promise of a lifetime together with me. I said yes. One year ago he made my heart soar. Three weeks ago today he told me he no longer wanted that promise. […]

Closing Off Hope

I can feel it happening inside me. It started out disguised as sadness and hopelessness, but now I can feel the shutdown. I can feel my heart closing in on itself and the protective layers strengthening. It took so long to open my heart and my hopes and now even with a hope, I am […]

It’s His Story and I’m Sticking To It

Today I read something somewhat similar to this: [Our lives are part of a larger story. Everything we do, every experience, and everything that happens advances the plot. Try as we might, it is not our story to write. Our author is the Lord and He has the whole story-line laid out, our job is […]

I Woke Up Alone

All I could think about as I lay in the hospital bed waiting for them to take me back into the procedure room, was how much had changed since my last procedure, just one short month ago. On that day, I had the man who I believed would be by my side for better or […]

The End of I Will

I DO. This tiny sentence carries with it a lifetime of promise, a commitment, and a giving of self that is unlike any other we can offer another person. YES, I WILL! A slightly longer sentence but those three words bring with them a lifetime of promise, a commitment to another person, and a giving of self, […]

Pain of Loss

We have all experienced loss. Whether it be the loss of a pet, the loss of a friend, the loss of a relationship, loved one, sibling, or parent. Just to name a few. We have all at some point in our lives – or we will all, at some point in our lives experience loss. […]

Pain of Living

“Without hope, faith yields to doubt and cynicism, and love suffocates in the pain of living.” I received an email today from a dear friend, and included in this email was that statement.  I know that the Lord reaches out to us with what we need when we are seeking to hear His voice, and this […]

Two Empty Chairs

I vividly remember the moment that my mom sat down and told us that she had been diagnosed with brain tumors. I distinctly recall the myriad of emotions and thoughts that struck me in that moment. Denial not the least of these. Even though I had time to process the reality that mom was leaving […]

The Headstone Arrived

I miss you Dad. I still can see the look in your eyes The day you slipped away. You knew, but I wasn’t ready. There was nothing you could say. I lost a piece of my heart that day A part of me died too It hurts, I wasn’t ready Oh how I still need […]

Another Broken Dream to Come

I remember the mornings once so silent and hopeful, the book of my life full of promise. I’ll probably never have it all figured out… still the pages continue to turn and the chapters are ending one after the next.. and I wait for a promise that is but another broken dream to come. Please follow […]

The Empty Hole

I can see it, it is right over there. Sometimes it is almost out of sight, but I can still see it. Sometimes it is right in front of me begging me to look inside. I can’t look, I can’t let my gaze drop. I know what is in that hole. I know the emptiness that I will […]

You Are Great

I have spent much of this night looking at photographs and reliving wonderful and precious moments that make up my life as the daughter of the wonderful man who is my dad. A more committed man you will not find. His love for the Lord and family was evident in everything he did. My head […]

A Terrible Fact

It has been a long time since I have logged in here and posted anything. My dad died. I am not ready to deal with that yet. Please follow and like us:

Continuing to Hope

Life is funny sometimes. Just when you think you have it all figured out and know where you want to go something comes along and throws a wrench (or in this case a rose) into it. I had my life figured out. I was going to be alone and I was going to like it. […]

What Can I Learn

Some days it hits me hard and I look around for something to tell me this is not real only to find the cold hard truth in the reality. My mom died. It has been five years since her death but some days it feels every bit as painful as the first day I woke […]

Pain becomes a part of you

My sister’s boyfriend died last night. We are all still processing the senselessness of it and I for one am reeling from the reality of the fragility of life. Today is September 10th. Tomorrow marks the day that changed the lives of thousands of Americans with the attacks on the world trade centers, the pentagon […]

Where do you find contentment?

What is contentment? What does it mean to you? In this media heavy – keeping up with the Jones’ society we live in it is hard to find someone who is a true example of contentment. For the purpose of this post I googled the word contentment and came up with all sorts of definitions […]

My Help Comes From You

One of the things I say over and over again is that Life Isn’t Fair. Today I spent some time in prayer for two individuals. One of which I don’t know and will likely never actually meet his family but I, along with a number of other Christ followers were asked to pray for this […]

Where do you store your treasures?

These past couple of weeks I have been going through the stuff I have accumulated in my house with the intent of getting rid of the things I do not need. Wow what a job this has been. I look around and wonder how in the world I have accumulated so much stuff.  Some of […]

The world is not tilting

I am not exactly sure what is going on with me, what is happening in my head. I feel very lost right now and it is quite un-nerving. Sure there are a lot of changes going on in my life at this time but they are not – tilt the world on it’s axis – […]

Frustration Brings Discouragement

I am kind of frustrated. Have you ever felt like you just can’t seem to say or do the right thing? Have you ever found yourself in a rut where the person or people you care most about are the same people who you feel are annoyed by your presence? Have you ever felt like […]

Expectations Breed Resentment

Expectations are not necessarily a bad thing. There is such a thing as good and realistic expectations. I have expectations, for example, I expect the chair I am sitting in not to collapse. I expect time to continue moving forward. I expect to receive a paycheck at the end of the week. I expect my kids to […]

Dad your unsung hero

“A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society.” This statement was made by Billy Graham. I don’t know when, and I don’t know the context in which it was said, but what I do know is that these words are absolutely […]

Healing Brings Insecurity

Relationships are hard. They bring uncertainty, joy, frustration, happiness, insecurity, security, hope and futility. For someone who has a history of pain in relationships these low points can cause emotions to spring up that can be paralyzing.  Sometimes those emotions are a very real reaction to a situation that hurts and sometimes they are a […]

Do You Suffer Well?

Being a single adult in our society has both its upsides and its downsides. There is a freedom in friendships and relationships that allows for a broad spreading of wings and learning about what characteristics you are compatible with, what you find attractive and what you want to shy away from. Having many friends of […]

My Brother For A Lifetime

We have all heard the phrase “people come into your life for reason, a season or a lifetime.” But what is interesting is that when people come into your life you don’t know if they are one of those who are here for a little while or if they will be one of the precious […]

Healing Brings Fear

I finally made an appointment with a therapist. Part of me refuses to believe I need it. I mean I am doing much better, my outlook is positive, most of the darkness is gone from my thoughts. I can come up with a hundred reasons why I don’t really need therapy and they are all good […]

The Plague In My Head

For those of us who have been through difficulties, whether it was one traumatic event, a series of traumatic events or years of fear and uncertainty, there comes a deeper recognition of the struggles of those around us. They may not be very good at hiding the pain or they may have most everyone fooled, […]

My Last Mothers Day

Sunday May 10th 2015 is the last mother’s day that I will be ‘just mom’. It is a strange feeling yet also very exciting. From the moment I learned I was pregnant my life changed forever. In May of 1993 my daughter was born and with her came joys, fears, love and experiences I never […]

What is going on in Baltimore

Watching the events unfold in Baltimore and seeing the total lack of regard for authority, property and peaceful communication that the young men (primarily men and boys) have shown, sadly, is nothing new. With the Ferguson riots and the organized protests across the country that were intended to be peaceful but ended with violence and […]

Stop Feeling Guilty

Groundless guilt is a huge relationship barrier that can cause feelings of resentment, anger, frustration and hurt for no reason. What is unrealistic guilt? It is that guilt that you automatically feel when you have done nothing wrong but you are so trained to feel like you are wrong that as soon as a comment is […]

Judgement

As sad as it is, the older I get and the more experiences I have the more I realize just how unforgiving are those who are called to be filled with grace. In Matthew 7 we are commanded to withhold judgement, for who am I to judge others when I have so much sin in […]

Authenticity

Deciding to walk inside the story of your own life breeds a freedom, a confidence and a simplicity which triggers the courage to be authentic and real. Please follow and like us:

Tax Day

This is the first time that I can remember that I had anything tax related to do on tax day. The careful control of when things needed to be done and finishing a task long before it was required has been a big part of my life. This year it seems everything has changed. My […]

A memory walk

Tonight I walked along the street The darkness all around I thought of you and watched my tears disappear there on the ground. I strolled alone along the road remembering your love I felt your presence ever near And your strength from up above. I pondered too the lessons learned throughout my life with you […]

Unbroken Circle

Tonight I walked along the street The darkness all around I thought of you and watched my tears disappear there on the ground. I strolled alone along the road remembering your love I felt your presence ever near And your strength from up above. I pondered too the lessons learned throughout my life with you […]

Imagine a Gift

Imagine a cold December, each day a cloudy day. Imagine the clouds surrender to allow for a sunny ray Remember the cold December, each day a cloudy day. Remember the times when laughter seemed so very far away. Imagine a ray of sunshine, nudging its way right through Imagine me sitting quietly, happily next to […]

Those stinking scars

This week has been full of emotional ups and downs. This site is about healing and allowing time for healing old wounds. Some of our wounds are by our own doing, some of our wounds were caused by another’s actions but no matter the origin wounds take time to heal. I have many wounds that […]

A New Year Dawning

Each and every moment is an opportunity to make a treasured memory. This past year has given me treasures beyond imagination.  I am excited to see what 2015 will bring.   [whohit]newyear[/whohit] Please follow and like us:

Treasures Finally Appreciated

Am I getting old or have I just finally learned to fully appreciate the things in life that have meaning beyond the moment?  We are approaching the completion of another year and as is the case for so many, today I am reflecting on the past 365 days and wondering what I could have done […]

Beautifully Broken

I am beautifully broken. There is a sense of sadness that lingers within me, it is always there and it has its place. It is a sadness that comes with the knowledge that I gave myself so deeply and completely that it ultimately destroyed me. I am more guarded than an entire army squadron and […]

Contentment

To say I am content does not mean I don’t desire to continue to better myself, it doesn’t mean that I am ready to sit back and become complacent. By saying I am content simply means that for the first time in a long time I am filled with an inward quiet joy that is […]

A Final Farewell

Yesterday we said our final farewell to the house and turned over the keys to it’s new owner. This has been a tough couple of months with trying to make decisions on what to keep, what to sell and what to save for family. Each shelf, each closet and so many trinkets brought back some […]

Farewell old home

Day by day I walk the path That God has set before me Night after night I trudge along Like so many have before me. These past few weeks have been so hard as we prepare to say goodbye not to you and not to love but to the things still left inside. The house […]

The Broken Face

Some days I don’t recognize myself. I look in the mirror and I want to see the girl that I used to be. I want to see the girl who was adventurous and spontaneous. I want to find that girl who loved to be with people and share experiences. I want to be me again. […]

Mothers Day

This Mother’s Day, instead of giving you the dry history of Mother’s Day and how over the centuries countless attempts were made to establish a single day where Moms were recognized and honored for reasons ranging from contributions to society, to women who lost sons in the war, to a day giving warring families a […]

Don’t Touch Me

Why do some people find it so difficult to respect that I don’t want to be touched. I am not saying don’t touch me because I don’t like you, I am saying don’t touch me because I don’t want to be touched. I don’t want you to touch my arm, I don’t want you to hug […]

Always Pretending

how do I separate things like this? how is it that I can completely box up my sad emotions and pretend everything is okay. Is there something wrong with me? Please follow and like us:

No Escape

Silently I walk along the shore Waves lapping gently The vastness of the ocean The depth of the sand And who am I? And why? To what end? The fear and loneliness Welling inside me Like a wave forming in the distance The tide coming in This pain threatens to swallow me I am alone […]

The Turkey is Empty

I can see why the suicide rate is much higher around the holidays. Everyone around is happy and excited, enjoying or looking forward to time with family and friends. Sure there are the grouchy shoppers and the overstressed workers but when you say the words, “have a happy thanksgiving” for the most part their eyes […]

Deciding to be Fine

How am I? I am deciding to be fine. I have painstakingly climbed into the attic where I was storing my emotional armour and have donned the protective layer that will once again allow me to shut off my heart, my feelings, my love and close the doors and latch the windows that constantly betray […]

Something Good in this World Marc Scibilia

  It takes a lot of time There’s so much you’ve got to leave behind And hold it like a treasure if you can’t find Something good in this world Something good in this world There’s so much hard earth to dig In these days of curse that we live I’m absolutely sure that in […]

Permission to Grow

Change allows a life to blossom in ways that were never even considered possible. Sometimes change brings more than just new experiences. Sometimes abrupt change allows one’s inner strength to reach its potential. It is not always painful, change can be a joyful and fulfilling experience. Allow changes to enrich and strengthen you. Give yourself […]

Night Terrors

Night terrors. what are night terrors? night terrors are your psyche’s way of throwing everything at you that you have ever been afraid of all at once. All the things that scare you, worry you, keep you off balance. Sometimes you know it is a dream but your psyche wont let you wake up. that […]

Healing After Hardship

The goal of any hardship is total recovery, to come out better than you were before. Sometimes healing occurs quickly and you feel immediate relief, sometimes healing happens gradually and it isn’t until months or even years later that you realize that you don’t hurt anymore. So the challenge after any hardship is to be […]

40

I am getting better at hiding my pain. HA! lies. As I approach my 40th birthday I am struck by the pitifullness of my existence (beyond motherhood) Here I am a 40 year old woman who is alone. alone. alone. Friends are nice and a good distraction but what about all the hours alone. alone. […]

It Still Hurts

Oh my gosh it hurts so bad. Its an aching hurt that has sucked the energy out of me. Im tired and sad and can’t stop crying. Oh my gosh it hurts. 🙁 Please follow and like us:

Is There Hope in This Hell

I guess everybody’s got a story to tell I guess everybody’s got a wound to heal I want to believe that there is hope in this hell I want to believe there is beauty to feel I get so tired of holding on I can’t let go, I can’t move on I want to believe […]

I Just Want To Be Happy

Is it so wrong to long for happiness? I don’t want stuff, I don’t want things, I don’t need money, I just want to feel happy. Genuine joy. I am heavily broken inside and I don’t know what to do. I’ve almost given up on trying, almost ready to quit. I am choking and I […]

Closed

What a foolish girl to believe again. with a broken heart that had yet to mend. she opened up only a little bit he took her heart and trampled it. it seems so small this latest slight. but with all the past the pain did bite her trust is gone, her heart is broke the […]

Holding so Much Inside

if you have ever had one of those times when you’ve clutched a pen or poised your fingers over the keyboard for a long time while lost in trying to collect your thoughts clearly enough to write them down, only to look down at your hands and be surprised that you are still holding that […]

I Miss You Mom

You must think I am strong, well… forgive me if I am wrong but this looks like more than I can do on my own. I know I am not strong enough to be everything I am supposed to be and right now I wish I could ask you to be strong enough for the […]

She Is Alone

The room is full of people Veterans, children, mothers, fathers All together enjoying each other Talking and laughing Telling stories and sharing tales. She sits alone in the midst of the crowd Alone on a chair by a lonely wall Folks pass by, some smile With faint recognition. Some stop But most continue on She […]

Window Shades

Have you ever looked into the eyes of love, have you ever looked into the window of happiness and for a brief moment in time felt the shear joy and peace that comes from being where you feel you belong – And then the shades are drawn and your reflection shows the reality of your loneliness. […]

Always

Always…. A promise so deep within that single word. I’ll love you till the end…. Always I’ll love you till the sun burns out…. Always A friend…. Always A hope… Always A dream.. Always Alone. Always Please follow and like us:

Safety Behind the Walls

I find myself sitting here today lamenting a life that never was, a hope that was left in disappointment and a dream that will never be fulfilled. Did I ever have the opportunity to achieve these things or have I always been doomed to the life I have now. I know I sound depressed and […]