I am beautifully broken.
There is a sense of sadness that lingers within me, it is always there and it has its place. It is a sadness that comes with the knowledge that I gave myself so deeply and completely that it ultimately destroyed me. I am more guarded than an entire army squadron and I have good reason to be. I am beautiful and I am broken.
I have love to give but my love is different. I will not give my heart away easily, I will be selective and slowly show the smallest pieces of the puzzle that is my heart one at a time until I know it is safe.
My love is different because I know what happiness is, true happiness. I know happiness because I know what rock bottom feels like and I have seen my fair share of it. I know happiness, because I knew fear, I know what it is like to wake up and legitimately be excited to start the day ahead of me. I know there is beauty in sharing these days with those I love. I am broken, but I know happiness.
I am not weak, I have mastered the art of depending on myself and knowing that if it is to get done, it is to get done by me. I am strong, and I am proud of my strength. I know that even if I end the day by going home and crying myself to sleep, I know I am strong enough to overcome anything and everything that comes my way. I am broken, but I am strong. I know pain, I have been hurt more times than I can count and because of this I have compassion for others. My kindness is genuine and my compassion is felt deep within my soul. I am broken and broken people see the brokenness in others.
I know my worth because I have been treated like I was worthless. I will not settle for just anyone, I have been treated poorly in the past and I will not allow myself to be treated poorly again. I know that what I have to offer is incredible and unique. I have the power to love fiercely and deeply and I know that there is something magical about loving someone. I don’t trust easily, in fact I am still pretty certain that the only person I can truly trust is myself. I hope to open up and trust one day, but it will take someone special. I have a story and I may share it. It is because of my story that I am the strong powerful woman I am today.
I have walls, thick, cold, and intimidating walls that keep me safe. One day if I meet the right person I will want these walls to come down, but until then I will keep them strong.
Loving me will not be easy or smooth. I have a guarded heart, I am skittish, I am a runner. But I will stay and fight for someone who will love and accept me.
I am not afraid to love, the one thing I fear is loving and not being loved back.