I have made a mess and I don’t know what to do. When I am lost I like to get out in nature away from everything and everyone and spend time alone with the Lord. On Saturday I decided to take a drive north to try to find some snow. I was sure I knew which direction would get me where I thought I wanted to go as quickly as possible. So off I went.

As I was driving I found a side road that distracted me for a moment and without thinking it through I jumped on the road. Very quickly I realized that my car was not the right vehicle for this bumpy road full of hazards. I kept thinking about stopping and going back. I even tried a few times but due to the narrow lane was not sure how, instead I continued to push forward until I was not able to go any further and had to turn around. As I made a 17 point turn I went off the side of the road slightly and almost immediately a terrible grinding noise began in my front wheel. I was all alone and had damaged my car.

There wasn’t much I could do in this secluded location so I drove to the nearest town opened my trunk to get the jack and pulled off the tire hoping to see something. However without my tool bag I was limited. I wasn’t sure what to do so I put the wheel back on and after a brief stop to try to find comfort in the snow I headed the 4 hours back with my damaged car groaning and grinding the whole way. There was nothing I could do except try to fix the problem the next day. The issue was the brakes. I had ignored all the warning signs and neglected to care for them. Ultimately driving until they were worn to the metal and not safe. This is so unlike me, I have always been careful to stay on top of things so I wouldn’t find myself in a situation that would be dangerous or costly. I had always been aware of how each thing affects another and adjusted accordingly, except for now.

As I walked through the snowy forest crying out to the Lord and pleading for help and some direction, not for the car but for my life, it struck me how the experience on the dirt road mirrored exactly the last few months of my life. I had neglected my walk with the Lord and had allowed my heart to wander.

I have made a mess and though in hindsight I can see that the warning signs were there, my focus on the moments made it easy to keep going until the damage was done. Unlike my car which was a moderately costly but easy fix, my life will be far from easy and oh so costly. I am brokenhearted and floundering, things are falling apart and I am both responsible and helplessness. I have only one place to turn and that is to Christ, in whom I should have been resting all along.

1 Chronicles 16:11 Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually.

I don’t know how to navigate what is to come. I am ashamed and broken, and I pray that those I have wronged will one day forgive me, but in the meantime I will once again pursue my life in Christ and rest in His arms, seek love and protection there, and put earthly hopes aside.

Deuteronomy 31:8 says, “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”