Continuing to Hope

Life is funny sometimes. Just when you think you have it all figured out and know where you want to go something comes along and throws a wrench (or in this case a rose) into it.

I had my life figured out. I was going to be alone and I was going to like it. Over the years I convinced myself that alone was where I wanted to be and I didn’t search for anything or anyone. There was a part of me that knew that I was not created to be alone but I was at a point in my life where anything but alone was scary. I could control me, how much I felt, how much I hurt, and how much I loved. This was where I felt safe but that is not what God had in mind for me. He created me to be a helpmate. He created me to be a supporter and a lover and an intimate friend. I look back at my past writings and am saddened by how empty I felt. The interesting thing is, very few people knew. Most thought I was secure and happy and fulfilled.

Even though I found fulfillment in many areas of my life I was not fulfilled. As the kids got older and more independent I realized that what loomed in front of me was an empty house coupled with an empty heart.

So the Lord began changing my internal dialogue. No more did I say I didn’t want anyone in my life, it started with, I didn’t want to be alone but I would never be vulnerable. This kept me safe as I began navigating feelings and thoughts that I had not had before. And though I made some strange choices over the next year, the Lord continued to protect me and eventually brought a depth into my life that I didn’t know could ever exist.

Am I happy? Mostly. My happiness comes from inside now, not so much what is going on around me and that is growth. And believe it or not I am in love and have a real future in front of me. And I continue to hope.

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