I have been traveling down a road of recovery for the past few months now. Well actually it has been for the past few years but more aggressively and with purpose over the past few months.
Recovery is a tricky thing. The intention is to move forward and heal, but the reality of confronting the past is that it feels like you are going backwards. Backwards hurts. It brings up all sorts of fears that you thought you have overcome, feelings of insecurity, unworthiness, instability, and the worst, weakness. As a domestic abuse survivor feeling weak causes all sorts of visceral reactions within me. The most damaging of these reactions is that I shut out those I am closest to until I can feel less weak.
Painful situations and emotions are difficult to confront, knowing that the feelings associated with confronting the past are only temporary can help with the overall recovery process. I know I can push through when I know there is relief in sight.
But what if the result of confronting those demons and fighting them results in the pushing away of your support system? What happens when you get so caught up in surviving the moment that you hurt those you love and they leave? Where does that leave you?
Just as the feelings associated with the past are temporary, this pain in my now is temporary as well. It doesn’t hurt any less but knowing that I have survived much worse helps me to hold on and push through.