This weekend is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada. (Yes, I am American but I spent my formative years in Canada so my heart is also Canadian.) Today I woke up with a reflective mindset and found myself thinking about thankfulness, and what that looks like. Sometimes it looks pretty obvious, sometimes you can look around and everything seems to be in place with very few hardships to be seen. But other times, though the main things can be present, job, home, family – feeling thankful can be a struggle. Today I am somewhere in between.
Two Thousand Sixteen has been one of the most difficult years in a long time. It has been the year of loss. Major loss, heart loss, love loss, painful hard to cope with loss. That doesn’t mean I am not capable of finding things to be thankful for this holiday weekend, but each is tainted with the bitter taste of loss.
Have you ever found yourself alone on a beach looking out over the ocean, no ships or people in sight, have you ever felt how small and insignificant you are in comparison to the vast expanse of the Ocean? Everything slows down, you focus on the sound of the water moving around you, and just for a moment you feel disconnected, like there is nothing beyond you. That is how I feel at the moment. I am not sure if I have ever truly accepted my dad’s death in my head, or in my heart, I try to stay distracted but I know it has me off balance, I know it changed me. I know I am lost. I look out at my ocean and I see an emptiness where my parents used to be. And I feel lost. Yes I have siblings and we are there for each other in wonderful ways, but this ocean is mine alone and it has taken four of the people I have loved the most.
Sure, two of them are not gone in the way mom and dad are gone, but they are gone, and I am walking through my life without them by my side.
So what do I have to be thankful for this holiday weekend? I guess ultimately, and all that matters is, I am thankful that I am here to write this note and I haven’t sunk into the lonely expanse of my ocean.
This weekend I will reflect on what is not lost and come Monday I will have a different perspective.