What is your experience of yourself, life, and God at this moment?
Doing devotions this morning this statement jumped out at me, and I want to explore it. What a powerful revealing this will be, I want to reflect on each aspect of the question and know it’s answer.
I think it is arranged this way for a purpose and as I thought about it I realized the significance of the order. Self, Life, God.
What is my experience of myself right now, is a question I have been unintentionally answering in different ways throughout this 2017 year. To fully respond I have had to go back. My childhood was amazing, there is not one thing about it I would want to have happen differently, it is because of my childhood that my faith and confidence in the Lord has never wavered – no matter the circumstances in which I would find myself.
The choice I made in a husband at the age of 18 and the abuse I experienced at his hands over the course of 20 years affected my view of, and experience of myself in many ways, and that has been the journey I have been on since the beginning of this year. 2017 has been a year of healing. And thus far, healing has hurt. Throughout the month of January I was somewhat resistant to the healing, as the end of the month approached I again realized how important being a whole and healed person was going to be to my future.
February and March were dark months. I experienced myself in emotionally excruciating ways, February I faced – head on – memories that I had not addressed before. Then, because of that I fell into an emotional pit which pulled me back into the lies that I had believed about myself for so long. However, with the help of my counselor, I was able to look at each of those lies and see them for what they were. It was a slow process, but I was healing. It was both encouraging and frightening. By the middle of March I began to feel like I was coming out of it, that there was peace and joy just over the horizon.
But God had more for me to work through. Once I recognized the lies and began to deal with them, He gave me opportunity to feel alone again. Not so He could hurt me, but so He could remind me that He is my strength and my comfort. He is my rock and foundation. He is my source of comfort.
There is not a moment that passes that I don’t feel the sadness of being without my earthly partner, there is not a prayer said during the day that does not include him in it, I love him fiercely and I wonder what God’s plan is for my future, but all I can do is rest in the knowledge that I am on a journey that is drawing me closer to the Lord every day, and I believe that he is doing the same, and ultimately that is what will bring happiness.
So back to the first part of the question.
What is my experience of myself at this moment?
I am settled. The chaos and lies that constantly echoed in my head is gone. Those self-deprecating thoughts have been replaced by songs of praise and an attitude of constant prayer. I wish I knew how to explain the difference but Christ has taken from me the pain and shame of my past, and has replaced it with the knowledge that I am redeemed and I am worthy.
It is well with my soul.