You Get One

You get one. One life. One brief moment in time. You get one.

I am not sure if I am unhappy or if I am just overworked or if it is something deeper. I don’t want to cry. Realistically I spend more time forcing myself not to cry than I do laughing anymore. It is always there, just under the surface, waiting to spring up and spill down my face and rip my heart to pieces.

I have had a good life so far overall. Even with the struggle and the pain, overall I have had a good life. There is a picture on my screen of our family when I was just a few months old. I love this photo, I am sitting on my daddy’s lap smiling at whoever is holding the camera, dad is smiling with his big sideburns and John Denver glasses. What a wonderful childhood I had.

What do I want? I want to be carefree and laugh and love and enjoy what is left of my life. I may have a year or sixty years. But they go and then they are gone. I don’t want to struggle in relationship, I don’t want to stress in day to day situations. I want to live and laugh and love. Where did that go?

I remember when my …I don’t know what to call him right now… and I began seeing each other, every thought of him brought a great big smile to my face. My heart would skip a beat and I was filled with joy. But I can’t find that joy anymore. I try, I think of all the good in him and everything that he is and I try, but I can’t find that joy. I don’t know if it is the uncertainty and the fear of him leaving again or if it is something within me.

I have changed. I have become cautious and standoffish. I have moved away from being a friend to being alone, not fully but I am not fully engaged with the people I spend time with. A candle that was within me has fizzled out and there is nothing but shadow in its place.

This is my life. This is it. How am I going to live it?

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