I can see why the suicide rate is much higher around the holidays. Everyone around is happy and excited, enjoying or looking forward to time with family and friends. Sure there are the grouchy shoppers and the overstressed workers but when you say the words, “have a happy thanksgiving” for the most part their eyes light up and suddenly if only for a moment there is a bright smile on their faces as they briefly are reminded of the relaxing family time of the day to come.
I have been trying not to think about it, trying not to put any focus on today because there is not one single thing that I have to look forward to. Yeah you can say that is an attitude and I can change it. And sure that’s true I can go into this day faking and pretending that I am happy and at peace but frankly I just don’t want to. It isn’t just about my kids not being here. That was a choice I had to make which has situations that are not ideal, I didn’t make that choice because I wanted to be alone or I wanted my marriage to fail. I made the choice because I needed to live.
But am I living? I go through the motions each day, go to work enjoy aspects of my work. No I enjoy my job. This stage of parenthood is so hard its hard when you have two people doing the job but its doubly hard when there are battles and lessons and parenting that have to be handled alone, with no input, with nowhere to turn to bounce the thoughts and issues off. Mom was that sounding board and her advice was spot on every time. She was the most amazing woman and oh how I miss her.
You want to know about me? I’m lonely. I’m deeply sad. I’m a failure. I’m a success. I’m broken, I am broken, I am broken. There is nowhere I can go to cry, nobody I can really go to to talk about how I feel, nobody who will really listen and hear all my hurts and all my struggles and allow me to just cry and hurt and share my brokenness. So I fake and I fall apart when nobody is looking and nobody understands why there are times I just cant handle the situations in my life and why i feel so alone.
At this moment I am hating mike more than I ever have before. I trusted my life to him my heart to him and my future to him and he didnt care enough to want it, no he is too selfish to understand or care what he was doing. How many times did I beg him to please lets get help. How many times did I try harder and harder to please him. How many times did I sit there and take his rage because I wanted my life and my future. I hate him because he took away my life and my future. If he would have killed me it would have been the same. I’m not living I am existing in a state of deep and hidden loneliness.
Nobody, not even my closest friends know the depth of this loneliness. It seems when I try to communicate it the only thing I accomplish is somehow pushing them away because somehow because I can’t even put voice to the sadness and the hurt and to some degree I don’t think I matter enough anyway.
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