The Plague In My Head

For those of us who have been through difficulties, whether it was one traumatic event, a series of traumatic events or years of fear and uncertainty, there comes a deeper recognition of the struggles of those around us. They may not be very good at hiding the pain or they may have most everyone fooled, […]

My Last Mothers Day

Sunday May 10th 2015 is the last mother’s day that I will be ‘just mom’. It is a strange feeling yet also very exciting. From the moment I learned I was pregnant my life changed forever. In May of 1993 my daughter was born and with her came joys, fears, love and experiences I never […]

What is going on in Baltimore

Watching the events unfold in Baltimore and seeing the total lack of regard for authority, property and peaceful communication that the young men (primarily men and boys) have shown, sadly, is nothing new. With the Ferguson riots and the organized protests across the country that were intended to be peaceful but ended with violence and […]

Stop Feeling Guilty

Groundless guilt is a huge relationship barrier that can cause feelings of resentment, anger, frustration and hurt for no reason. What is unrealistic guilt? It is that guilt that you automatically feel when you have done nothing wrong but you are so trained to feel like you are wrong that as soon as a comment is […]

Judgement

As sad as it is, the older I get and the more experiences I have the more I realize just how unforgiving are those who are called to be filled with grace. In Matthew 7 we are commanded to withhold judgement, for who am I to judge others when I have so much sin in […]

Authenticity

Deciding to walk inside the story of your own life breeds a freedom, a confidence and a simplicity which triggers the courage to be authentic and real.

Tax Day

This is the first time that I can remember that I had anything tax related to do on tax day. The careful control of when things needed to be done and finishing a task long before it was required has been a big part of my life. This year it seems everything has changed. My […]

A memory walk

Tonight I walked along the street The darkness all around I thought of you and watched my tears disappear there on the ground. I strolled alone along the road remembering your love I felt your presence ever near And your strength from up above. I pondered too the lessons learned throughout my life with you […]

Unbroken Circle

Tonight I walked along the street The darkness all around I thought of you and watched my tears disappear there on the ground. I strolled alone along the road remembering your love I felt your presence ever near And your strength from up above. I pondered too the lessons learned throughout my life with you […]

Imagine a Gift

Imagine a cold December, each day a cloudy day. Imagine the clouds surrender to allow for a sunny ray Remember the cold December, each day a cloudy day. Remember the times when laughter seemed so very far away. Imagine a ray of sunshine, nudging its way right through Imagine me sitting quietly, happily next to […]

Those stinking scars

This week has been full of emotional ups and downs. This site is about healing and allowing time for healing old wounds. Some of our wounds are by our own doing, some of our wounds were caused by another’s actions but no matter the origin wounds take time to heal. I have many wounds that […]

A New Year Dawning

Each and every moment is an opportunity to make a treasured memory. This past year has given me treasures beyond imagination.  I am excited to see what 2015 will bring.   [whohit]newyear[/whohit]

Treasures Finally Appreciated

Am I getting old or have I just finally learned to fully appreciate the things in life that have meaning beyond the moment?  We are approaching the completion of another year and as is the case for so many, today I am reflecting on the past 365 days and wondering what I could have done […]

Beautifully Broken

I am beautifully broken. There is a sense of sadness that lingers within me, it is always there and it has its place. It is a sadness that comes with the knowledge that I gave myself so deeply and completely that it ultimately destroyed me. I am more guarded than an entire army squadron and […]

Contentment

To say I am content does not mean I don’t desire to continue to better myself, it doesn’t mean that I am ready to sit back and become complacent. By saying I am content simply means that for the first time in a long time I am filled with an inward quiet joy that is […]

A Final Farewell

Yesterday we said our final farewell to the house and turned over the keys to it’s new owner. This has been a tough couple of months with trying to make decisions on what to keep, what to sell and what to save for family. Each shelf, each closet and so many trinkets brought back some […]

Farewell old home

Day by day I walk the path That God has set before me Night after night I trudge along Like so many have before me. These past few weeks have been so hard as we prepare to say goodbye not to you and not to love but to the things still left inside. The house […]

The Broken Face

Some days I don’t recognize myself. I look in the mirror and I want to see the girl that I used to be. I want to see the girl who was adventurous and spontaneous. I want to find that girl who loved to be with people and share experiences. I want to be me again. […]

Mothers Day

This Mother’s Day, instead of giving you the dry history of Mother’s Day and how over the centuries countless attempts were made to establish a single day where Moms were recognized and honored for reasons ranging from contributions to society, to women who lost sons in the war, to a day giving warring families a […]

Don’t Touch Me

Why do some people find it so difficult to respect that I don’t want to be touched. I am not saying don’t touch me because I don’t like you, I am saying don’t touch me because I don’t want to be touched. I don’t want you to touch my arm, I don’t want you to hug […]

Always Pretending

how do I separate things like this? how is it that I can completely box up my sad emotions and pretend everything is okay. Is there something wrong with me?

No Escape

Silently I walk along the shore Waves lapping gently The vastness of the ocean The depth of the sand And who am I? And why? To what end? The fear and loneliness Welling inside me Like a wave forming in the distance The tide coming in This pain threatens to swallow me I am alone […]

The Turkey is Empty

I can see why the suicide rate is much higher around the holidays. Everyone around is happy and excited, enjoying or looking forward to time with family and friends. Sure there are the grouchy shoppers and the overstressed workers but when you say the words, “have a happy thanksgiving” for the most part their eyes […]

Deciding to be Fine

How am I? I am deciding to be fine. I have painstakingly climbed into the attic where I was storing my emotional armour and have donned the protective layer that will once again allow me to shut off my heart, my feelings, my love and close the doors and latch the windows that constantly betray […]

Something Good in this World Marc Scibilia

  It takes a lot of time There’s so much you’ve got to leave behind And hold it like a treasure if you can’t find Something good in this world Something good in this world There’s so much hard earth to dig In these days of curse that we live I’m absolutely sure that in […]

Permission to Grow

Change allows a life to blossom in ways that were never even considered possible. Sometimes change brings more than just new experiences. Sometimes abrupt change allows one’s inner strength to reach its potential. It is not always painful, change can be a joyful and fulfilling experience. Allow changes to enrich and strengthen you. Give yourself […]

Night Terrors

Night terrors. what are night terrors? night terrors are your psyche’s way of throwing everything at you that you have ever been afraid of all at once. All the things that scare you, worry you, keep you off balance. Sometimes you know it is a dream but your psyche wont let you wake up. that […]

Healing After Hardship

The goal of any hardship is total recovery, to come out better than you were before. Sometimes healing occurs quickly and you feel immediate relief, sometimes healing happens gradually and it isn’t until months or even years later that you realize that you don’t hurt anymore. So the challenge after any hardship is to be […]

40

I am getting better at hiding my pain. HA! lies. As I approach my 40th birthday I am struck by the pitifullness of my existence (beyond motherhood) Here I am a 40 year old woman who is alone. alone. alone. Friends are nice and a good distraction but what about all the hours alone. alone. […]

It Still Hurts

Oh my gosh it hurts so bad. Its an aching hurt that has sucked the energy out of me. Im tired and sad and can’t stop crying. Oh my gosh it hurts. 🙁

Is There Hope in This Hell

I guess everybody’s got a story to tell I guess everybody’s got a wound to heal I want to believe that there is hope in this hell I want to believe there is beauty to feel I get so tired of holding on I can’t let go, I can’t move on I want to believe […]

I Just Want To Be Happy

Is it so wrong to long for happiness? I don’t want stuff, I don’t want things, I don’t need money, I just want to feel happy. Genuine joy. I am heavily broken inside and I don’t know what to do. I’ve almost given up on trying, almost ready to quit. I am choking and I […]

Closed

What a foolish girl to believe again. with a broken heart that had yet to mend. she opened up only a little bit he took her heart and trampled it. it seems so small this latest slight. but with all the past the pain did bite her trust is gone, her heart is broke the […]

Holding so Much Inside

if you have ever had one of those times when you’ve clutched a pen or poised your fingers over the keyboard for a long time while lost in trying to collect your thoughts clearly enough to write them down, only to look down at your hands and be surprised that you are still holding that […]

I Miss You Mom

You must think I am strong, well… forgive me if I am wrong but this looks like more than I can do on my own. I know I am not strong enough to be everything I am supposed to be and right now I wish I could ask you to be strong enough for the […]

She Is Alone

The room is full of people Veterans, children, mothers, fathers All together enjoying each other Talking and laughing Telling stories and sharing tales. She sits alone in the midst of the crowd Alone on a chair by a lonely wall Folks pass by, some smile With faint recognition. Some stop But most continue on She […]

Window Shades

Have you ever looked into the eyes of love, have you ever looked into the window of happiness and for a brief moment in time felt the shear joy and peace that comes from being where you feel you belong – And then the shades are drawn and your reflection shows the reality of your loneliness.

Always

Always…. A promise so deep within that single word. I’ll love you till the end…. Always I’ll love you till the sun burns out…. Always A friend…. Always A hope… Always A dream.. Always Alone. Always

Safety Behind the Walls

I find myself sitting here today lamenting a life that never was, a hope that was left in disappointment and a dream that will never be fulfilled. Did I ever have the opportunity to achieve these things or have I always been doomed to the life I have now. I know I sound depressed and […]

Broken Dreams to Come

I remember the mornings once so silent and hopeful, the book of my life full of promise. I’ll probably never have it all figured out… still the pages continue to turn and the chapters are ending one after the next.. and I wait for a promise that is but another broken dream to come.

Hopelessness

Emptiness Sometimes it is so hard to conceal that this is how I really feel Tears of sadness the sting of pain every day its ever the same. Aloneness A feeling that seems to never end I look for comfort in the arms of my friend I look around to find my friend Helplessness Sleepless […]

Pieces by Sum 41

I tried to be perfect, But nothing was worth it, I don’t believe it makes me real. I thought it’d be easy, But no one believes me, I meant all the things I said. If you believe it’s in my soul I’d say all the words that I know Just to see if it would […]

The Lonely Breakdown

Sleep is becoming more and more difficult again. My mind is racing and my heart is hurting. My heart is beating erratically. It’s actually starting to concern me a bit. The sad thing is I can feel my heart, no, sad is not the word. I can’t really find the word so I guess it […]

Broken Dreams

It was a lifetime ago, another age another day, a time when hopes and dreams were new and hearts had been broken but not yet shattered. Smiles and laughter filled the small home, nestled midst farms in this rural town. Three young children living a carefree life. Things had been hard for quite some time; […]

Hidden Pain

Nobody sees me cry, nobody knows my pain I know that I’m not alone I’m just lost here in the rain. I gave my all to futility I gave my all to love And here I am alone again… alone.

God Has A Perfect Plan

This weekend has been one that has been full of ups and downs, fear, anger, joy, comfort, and finally peace as God pulled everything together for us. How is it that so often we take for granted that God has a perfect plan. We don’t know the outcome, we don’t know what is to come […]

Playing Pretend

So here I sit again alone in an empty house with an empty heart an empty home and an empty life. There is no end in sight there is no relief in any direction. I have moments of feigned happiness, images of a life worth living, but then its all gone again. The reality of […]

Don’t Look The Other Way

I am a parent. I love my children, I want what is best for my children. I want to know what is going on in all of their lives, I want to know they are happy, they are trying, they are achieving and they are growing. I want to know their strengths, their weaknesses, I […]

A Great Day

Yesterday was the best day I have had in such a long time. It started with a trip to the city for a gift. Then meeting with friends. But the best part came that eve when the kids and I went to get our Christmas tree. On the way to the tree farm the conversation centered […]

Never Again

Pain, never in a million years did I think that the pain would be this bad. Before there was hope of a future. That is no more. It’s gone. Why does it hurt so badly. Why can’t I let go of this. I walked away with no promise of return. I’m so ripped up and […]

Tiny Cracks of My Heart

I was afraid to care again, but I did I was afraid I’d feel the hurt again, and I did I was afraid my heart couldn’t take the pain, and it can’t. I know it seems like I’m this strong woman who can get through whatever life throws at me but inside I am very […]

Have You Ever

Have you ever given all your heart have you ever poured your soul into the one you love have you ever given and given and found joy in doing so have you ever felt discouraged have you ever felt pain have you ever realized that no matter how much you give it will always bring […]

The Cliffs Edge

As I sat perched on the edge of the cliff unsure what lay ahead, uncertain if I had the strength to overcome this next hurdle myself I found a friend who would hold me up, support me and be the anchor for my rope. Slowly I began my decent the top of the cliff not as steep […]

Reeling

Out of the blue during Bible study it was presented to me that “you would do well to talk with someone.” Those words hit me like a train. I had begun to feel normal and like I am not messed up. My facade is not as solid as I had thought. They don’t know me! […]

Not a Care

The pain inside like a searing knife and he doesn’t care no he doesn’t care This hurt he caused has crushed my life and he doesn’t care  no he doesn’t care

Long Way to Happy

“Long Way To Happy” One night to you Lasted six weeks for me Just a bitter little pill now Just to try to go to sleep No more waking up to innocence Say hello to hesitance To everyone I meet Thanks to you years ago I guess I’ll never know What love means to me […]

A Fear Awakened

I am afraid. What am I afraid of? I am not 100% sure. I just know that the thought of him moving here has awakened within me a fear of what was.

The Fire

Imagine this…….. you are in a burning house. The walls are on fire…. beams are falling down around you. The heat is almost unbearable and every breath is a choked gasp. At the last possible minute, you find a way out of the flames and into the cool night air, where your family is there […]

Confusion and Fear

What is wrong with me? Am I really considering going back into that hell? He told me his intention was to see how far he could push me before I snapped and I snapped. I know the evil that lies in his heart yet I am sitting here wondering if he has changed. What is […]

Allowing Anger

I am still angry. I know this attitude is wrong and I am trying to work through it so please be patient with me. I need to feel. I have spent so many years not really feeling. Years closed off to my emotions and hiding my pain and now it is coming out in torrents, […]

A Bitter heart

I heard my voice today, it was filled with bitterness and anger. I look back over the past few months and I have gone from fear to horrible sadness. Now I am angry. I am angry for all the time that was put into a marriage that was hopeless from the onset. I am angry […]

A Lonely Heart

I am not sure why I am writing here and maybe this won’t go anywhere. Maybe I will write a post or two and realize that I have nothing to say and stop writing. Maybe I won’t, maybe writing will bring some peace. Maybe getting out some of what is trapped inside me will relieve […]