All I could think about as I lay in the hospital bed waiting for them to take me back into the procedure room, was how much had changed since my last procedure, just one short month ago. On that day, I had the man who I believed would be by my side for better or worse, in sickness and in health sitting by me holding my hand and assuring me that he would be there waiting in support in the recovery room.
You see, I am afraid of waking up from anesthesia alone. There is a reason for this that I will not get into, suffice it to say it is probably one of my biggest fears.
Today I woke up alone.
As I began coming to my senses and hearing the sounds around me I knew that when I opened my eyes my fiancé would not be there looking at me with his loving eyes. (Because he is gone. The choice was made that our future was not secure in each other and the engagement was cancelled.) I knew when I did finally open my eyes, I would find either a nurse or nothing.
I found nothing.
Tears unwittingly began to spill out of my eyes, it didn’t matter that I tried to do to stop them, they came and they wouldn’t stop.
Sensing, or maybe seeing movement, the nurse came in to see if I was alright. This was the push I needed to shove that paralyzing sadness back into its proper place and pull myself together. I was fine. I will be fine.
So, I woke up alone. I better get used to it.