I was a victim.
This is probably one of the hardest sentences I have written in a very long time, perhaps ever. This has been a very difficult month. I have begun to deal with the reality of my past hell. I have begun to look at the situation and the day to day interactions and I am recognizing it for what it was.
For twenty years I was married to a violent narcissistic sociopath. Every day was a battle of some sort, and even now, twelve years later the battle hasn’t truly stopped, it may have taken on a different form, but it hasn’t stopped.
I am fighting back now. Not with him. I am fighting for me. It is not easy. In fact, acknowledging the reality and unpacking my feelings is quite painful. Painful enough that for the past days I have retreated, and have pushed aside all feeling, and I feel nothing. No happiness, no sadness, no joy, no sorrow. I just feel nothing. I have been here before. Two years after we escaped our hell, I found a way to avoid feeling and became a shell of a person, and I stayed there for a very long time. I don’t want to do that again, I don’t want to hide away and not feel but I can’t seem to control it right now. So I feel nothing.
I know it will pass, because, I don’t want to stay here, but I am here and for a little while I am going to hold on to the quiet. I am going to bask in the silence, and I am going to feel nothing. At least for today.