I Don’t Want To Go

I recognize that I need to go, but I don’t want to go.

I have asked myself repeatedly what I am so worried about and I don’t have a solid answer for that question. I know I have nothing to be afraid of with the session itself, but it is more about what if it changes me. I like myself. I like that I am not hyper sensitive to what people say or do, I like that I can shut off unwelcome feelings and emotions. I like that I can put on a happy face when I feel the need.

What if this process breaks that? What if the woman I am is nothing like the woman I become?

What if I break.

There is not a whole lot of strength to the glue that is holding me together at this moment and I feel like the slightest change in the foundation will send me crashing down, irreparable and shattered.

I guess I do know what I am afraid of after all. I am not as much afraid of death as I am of dying during this process.

Today I have an appointment that may shake up and crumble my world. Today I am taking a step to heal from my past. Today I want to run away.

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