Loss. This seems to be the theme in my world these past fifteen months. I think it broke me. Not in a crippling, can’t go on, life is awful sort of way, but in a hope is gone and the desire to love is fading.
Most relationships end because somebody did the other wrong or because they are not willing to set aside selfishness or pride to allow the give and take every relationship needs. When two people have made it past the whirlwind that comes with the beginning of a relationship and settle into a trust pattern, sometimes one is strong and focused on the other, and is there as a constant support. And sometimes the roles reverse and the other needs to be strong. Sometimes it is smooth sailing and both individuals can give the love openly and freely that they have for each other. This is the reality of all relationships no matter how old or young.
The beginnings of relationships are full of open attention, curiosity, and joy. The beginning of relationships have their own challenges, but when those challenges have been overcome and the deep trusting vulnerable love comes in, that is when the truth in the love comes out.
I understand that long distance relationships are that much more difficult because that quiet silent support that can come from sitting next to one another and knowing the other is there is not possible. When the one who is hurting just needs to feel the other’s presence the distance takes its toll. The issues come in when the person doesn’t reach out and communicate the need. Or when the other is also hurting and unable to see the need.
Life is busy and hectic all the time. Even when there is down time, there are many things happening in the background, trying to integrate two worlds into a marriage-like situation when there are 700+ miles between you and your mate, is virtually impossible. And that is where the inability to lean on each other in quiet support breaks what otherwise would be a wonderful thing.
Today I begin to deal with the reality of my loss. Today I will begin to accept that the hope I had for a future with the only man who has ever tried to know me is gone. It isn’t just fading. It is gone. Today I begin mourning not just the loss of my forever, but the loss of hope in love.
Today I will continue to lean on the Lord for comfort and hope that one day the pain will lessen and I will find peace in the emptiness.