I can feel it happening inside me. It started out disguised as sadness and hopelessness, but now I can feel the shutdown. I can feel my heart closing in on itself and the protective layers strengthening. It took so long to open my heart and my hopes and now even with a hope, I am closing off.
Should I let it happen? Should I allow this systematic retreat to continue? At this moment, I don’t know that I have much of a choice. At least I know I am able to open up, at least I know I can truly love and allow intimacy. At least I know I am not forever broken. But the trust. how will I learn to trust? How will I not question? More importantly, is he going to understand my need?
Life can be confusing and when I try to figure things out on my own I just muddy the waters with my wants vs my fears. I am afraid. I try not to act it because I want to grow and become who I am supposed to be, I don’t want to be a hindrance to others. But I am afraid.
Be still and know that I am God.
Lord help me to learn to be still.